Begrudge No Longer

I once thought of myself as the type of person who never held a grudge. Growing up as a people-pleaser, I seemed to be very quick to forgive my friends and siblings for any perceived slights if they would just please play a game with me today. I would accept poor treatment as my due and so, when it came time to experiment with love, my boyfriends were forgiven just as easily and my proverbial cheek was turned again and again.

Thankfully, I have grown to be a much more healthy person since those days, but I am eternally thankful for the lessons that life keeps assigning to me, and don’t begrudge my experiences.

Looking back, my initial steps in healing this personality trait was to become a lot more protective and loving towards myself and to not allow others to treat me any differently than how I would treat them. Sort of the Golden Rule reversed. That was an excellent beginning and one that sustained and fulfilled me for many years. However, it was also very simplistic and not nearly comprehensive enough. For example, the next step was realizing that not everyone wants to be treated the same way I do. Imagine that, right? Context is everywhere! Amazingly, this lesson took me a few years to really “get” and because of my stubbornness, I missed out on developing some important relationships. It also brought home the fact that I can and do hold grudges.

Grudges get really heavy with time, and they tend to bleed into other areas of your life and relationships. I must have loved some aspect of being a victim in those stories of mine. Once I dropped the burdens and saw them for what they truly were, I realized deep down that they were MY life lessons and had nothing to do with THEM at all. I only wish I was a quicker study…

I have had to learn many layers of this particular life lesson to have gotten where I am today, and I’m not convinced that I have mastered it yet. I’m sure the universe will test me again and perhaps I will pass the exam without having to analyze and adjust my reactions. One can hope. 🙂

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